Date Everything!

What Is Date Everything! – A Pocket Universe of Whimsy

定位一句话: A surreal dating simulator that lets you romance anything from a forgotten broom closet to the concept of existential dread – and somehow makes it feel sincere.
Developer & Publisher: Developed by Sassy Chap Games, published by the indie-friendly Team17 (known for Overcooked and Worms).
Key features at a glance:

• Over 100+ dateable objects, each with a distinct personality and story arc.
• Branching dialogue system with meaningful consequences (yes, you can break a doorknob's heart).
• Full voice acting and a hand-drawn, watercolor-like art style.
• A “Sandbox” mode that removes the win/lose pressure – pure exploration.

Target audience: Players who crave narrative-driven oddities, fans of Hatoful Boyfriend or The Stanley Parable, and anyone who thinks a vending machine deserves a second date.

First Date First Impression: Why I Swiped Right

Imagine walking into a world where a lonely ceiling fan asks you if you've ever felt “drafty inside.” That's Date Everything! in a nutshell. I sat down expecting a joke that runs thin after ten minutes. Instead, I found myself genuinely invested in whether my new friend – a sentient cardboard box named “Cordial Cora” – would open up about her fear of being recycled. The writing is sharp, the voice acting lands every punchline, and the game masterfully walks the line between absurd humor and genuine emotional beats. It doesn't mock you for caring; it rewards you.

The Allure of the Inanimate: Branching Stories That Actually Matter

The game's crown jewel is its sheer roster. From a self-conscious microwave to a philosophical grandfather clock, each object has a unique personality tree. Your choices don't just change a few lines of dialogue – they unlock entire new story paths. I went on two separate dates with a potted fern: one where I complimented its leaves (it bloomed with confidence), and another where I asked about soil (it spiraled into an identity crisis). The branching isn't just cosmetic; it can lock or unlock entire chapters. For a simulation game, it offers surprising replayability – I've already courted 12 objects and haven't seen the same conversation twice.

Visuals, Sound, and That “Just One More” Feel

The interface is clean and visually novel–style: a sidebar for stats (affection, trust, “weirdness”), a large character portrait, and text bubbles. No clutter. Navigation feels like flipping through a cozy graphic novel. Performance on Windows (tested on a mid-range laptop with an i5 and 8GB RAM) is smooth – zero stutters or crashes. The learning curve is practically flat: pick an object, choose dialogue, watch the story unfold. The only “challenge” is deciding which of the hundred objects to flirt with next. Sound design deserves a shout – ambient notes change depending on the date's mood, and the voice actors (especially for the more eccentric objects) bring genuine warmth.

Where It Breaks the Simulation Mold

Unlike most simulation games that try to teach you real-world skills – cooking, farming, dating humans – Date Everything! throws realism out the window and focuses on emotional truth. Yes, you can't actually apply “flirting with a bookshelf” to your real-life dating pool. But the mechanics of listening, asking the right questions, and respecting boundaries are surprisingly transferable. The game rewards patience and curiosity, not a perfect stat build. It also avoids the common trap of “dating sim = stat grind.” Instead, every interaction feels like a small theater play. The physics of the game world? There are none – a refrigerator won't tip over if you push it. But the emotional physics are surprisingly grounded. That uniqueness – getting attached to a toaster while learning to be a better listener – is something no other simulator I've tried achieves.

Final Verdict: Who Should Date It (and Who Should Stay Friends)

Highly recommended for anyone with a taste for interactive fiction that doesn't take itself too seriously – but still has heart. If you enjoy games that make you laugh out loud one minute and think about your own relationships the next, this is a no-brainer. Not for you if you prefer strict mechanics, competitive scoring, or realistic life simulation. Also skip if you find cartoonish absurdity grating.

Pro tip: Start with the less “human” objects (the radiator, the mailbox) before moving to the more abstract ones (the concept of “deja vu”). The early dates ease you into the game's tone. And don't rush – each object deserves at least two sessions to see its story branch fully. Date Everything! is a warm, weird, and surprisingly wise little world – and you're always welcome to stay for breakfast.

FAQ

How do I start dating objects after installing the app?

After launching the app, follow the tutorial to equip the Dateviators. Then tap any glowing object in your house to interact. Navigate to Settings > Gameplay > Tutorial to replay instructions anytime.

Can I change the voice acting language or subtitles?

Yes, go to Settings > Audio & Subtitles. You can toggle voice language (currently English only) and enable/disable subtitles. Subtitles support multiple languages, including Spanish and French.

What does the 'Branching Narratives' feature mean for my choices?

Each dialogue choice affects your relationship with the object—leading to friend, lover, or enemy endings. Check your current relationship status in the Character menu under Relationships.

How many endings can I get per character, and how do I unlock them?

Each of the 100 characters has at least 3 distinct endings. Replay story branches by selecting different dialogue options. Track progress in Settings > Achievements > Endings.

Are all 100 characters available from the start, or do I unlock them?

Most characters are accessible immediately after the tutorial. A few require progressing through other characters' stories. View the full roster in Characters > Unlock List.

What does 'Puns Galore!' mean for the writing style?

Expect witty, pun-filled dialogue throughout every interaction. If you find puns overwhelming, you can tone them down slightly in Settings > Narrative > Pun Frequency.